How to Act Like a Cantabridgian in 10 Easy Steps!

Written by a True Cantabridgian.

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Cantabridgian: Can·ta·brig·i·an: [kan-tuh-brij-ee-uhn]

Noun

1. A native or inhabitant of Cambridge, Massachusetts.
2. Nobody else.  Nice try, grad students.
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  1. Don’t worry about offending people just by existing.  They probably have a distant relative who is way less attractive than yourself.
  2. Do be careful about bringing up the following topics with anyone you don’t know very well: Religion, Politics, Finding Suitable Parking, or The State of the Educational System Anywhere in the World.  (Seriously, PTA Meetings in Cambridge are dicey sometimes.)
  3. Don’t assume anyone is completely harmless based solely on their sense of style.  For example, I have been known to bring my designer handbag (which I received in exchange for long-term cat-sitting) into expensive stores just to trick the clerks into being nicer to me.  Sure, it’s sneaky, but so is charging $299 for leather shoes.  I’m just sayin’….
  4. Do treat people considerately until they give you a reason not to do so.  You can catch more flies with honey, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with W.A.S.P.-like behavior.  *wink*
  5. Don’t ask people for change for the bus.  Seriously.  Those quarters are for parking and laundry, mister.
  6. Do ask people for directions to local landmarks that no longer exist.  At worst, you’ll get a blank look.  At best, you may just get directions that reference another nonexistent landmark.  (“Bear right where The Tasty used to be and then change to the far left lane immediately to bear left onto Mass. Ave.  If you go under an overpass and pass a high school that vaguely resembles a concrete Lego Land, you’re in trouble.  Give up and find the nearest cop or firefighter for further instructions!”)
  7. Don’t apply to Harvard unless you are deftly skilled in the art of bureaucracy.  I have a theory that they have a Super Secret School of Bureaucracy, but they won’t confirm it, those jerks.
  8. Do be friendly to your local cashiers.  This is more of a general rule, but I like to be nice to people who know where I keep my wallet. 🙂
  9. Don’t pester people to sign your petition. We don’t want to know what your petition is for, unless it’s to prevent kids from working in the local mill.  They may have tiny fingers, but they can’t even operate a gigantic loom safely- for heavens sake.
  10. Do have opinions about any and everything.  Even if they are a little silly.  A little.